Saturday, January 22, 2022

Megan Boyle's "selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee": (Pre) Teen Masturbation & Age-Gap Fantasy

Amazon describes Megan Boyle's selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee as a book of poetry, but muumuu house, the book's alt lit publisher, describes Boyle's writing as prose. Let's just go with Elle's Kelley Hoffman whom describes Boyle's writing as "confessional writing":

"With her mixture of immediate honesty and everyman wit, Boyle has emerged as a cult voice of Millennials whom have come of age sharing confessional writing online."

Interestingly, selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee reminded me of Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies where, for example, Marina shared that she began to be aware of men at the age of 9 or 10 and thought about them while she masturbated. 

In the chapter "embarrassing moments", Boyle shared that when she was 6-years-old, she had to be scolded for (pre) teen masturbating in public, and when she was 8-years-old she was scolded by her babysitter for masturbating under a "thin blanket":

had to be talked to for masturbating in public several times, parent-teacher conference once. seriously didn't think anyone knew what i was doing (age 6)

masturbated under a thin blanket while watching 'the beverly hillbillies' movie with my babysitter. she said 'if you don't stop doing that i'm going to tell your parents' (age 8)

And continuing on the same subject of self-love, Boyle related in the chapter "lies i have told" that when she was confronted by her parents about her prolific masturbating, she told them that  she was simply itching her belly button:

'i'm itching my belly button'
i masturbated a lot as a kid. this was what i would tell my parents i was doing when they would try to talk with me about it. i remember seeing them look at each other with concerned, yet amused faces
Nicolas Cage Con Air (1997)

Just like Theda who shared in My Secret Garden that her first sexual fantasy started she was about 7 or 8 after she gazed upon her teacher's "rotund posterior", and she had "an infantile urge” to slide her hand “[…] down his bum cheeks and round to 'the front' [...]", 12-year-old Boyle had a similar age-gap fantasy with Nicolas Cage whom she would "kiss" on the television screen:

made out with TV while watching 'con air' (crush on [33-year-old] nicolas cage, brief period, weird), forgot to windex. mom found it, made me clean it (age 12)

Shockingly, a guy from Boyle's poetry class stated that "[...] everyone he knew had sex in middle school". And unshockingly, Boyle continued to express her sexuality into her late nymphet years. For example, when she was 18, she unsuccessfully pleaded for sex and the opportunity to give blow jobs:

when i was 18-19 and lived in a dorm in chicago i sometimes got drunk and yelled in the stairway, i'm horny, i want to have sex, someone come here, i give blowjobs, are you attractive, i am attractive, come here.' 

Lastly, I read the 5th edition (2020 ) of unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee, and Jennifer Shaffer of The Stanford Daily opined:

"[A] remarkable debut [...] both painstaking and unpolished, earnest and unassuming, plain, poetic, moving, self-conscious and, above all, real."

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