Wednesday, April 26, 2023

Hulu's TINY BEAUTIFUL THINGS (2023): Teen Threesome and Schoolgirl Lipstick Lesbians

Here’s IMDb’s (lax) synopsis of Hulu’s Tiny Beautiful Things (2023):

[Tiny Beautiful Things] [f]ollows a woman who reluctantly becomes Dear Sugar; an anonymous and revered advice columnist, even when her own life is falling apart.

The synopsis is lax, because it left out the teen threesome subplot, which was, very interestingly, not only shown in the trailer, it was shown in the preview of episode 01 as well, but the teen threesome didn’t happen until episode 02. 

And it was implied in the trailer and in the introduction to episode 01 that Clare (Kathryn Hahn) and her husband Danny had a threesome with Rae - their 16-year-old daughter, but the actual (unedited) conversation didn’t take place until episode 03. 

Clare, "A threesome is a big leap. Maybe you were subconsciously worried about our little threesome."

Rae, "What?"

Clare, "Me and you and dad."

Rae, "Ew!"

And in the trailer and introduction to episode 01, Rae shared with her mother that Bethany, the other private schoolgirl in the threesome, had public anal sex on a greyhound bus.

Rae, “Bethany had anal sex on a greyhound going to Reno!”

Clare, “What?

Rae, “Yeah.”

Clare, “Why would she wanna take a bus to Reno?”

However, the (unedited) conversation didn’t take place until episode 04. (Talk about using the allure of nymphets to market a streaming series.)

In episode 02, after Clare came home from work early and discovered her 16-year-old daughter having a threesome, Clare asked Bethany, “Do your parents know? Should I just give ‘em a quick call?” Bethany replied, with her white bra showing under her schoolgirl uniform, that her parents, “[...] support sexual exploration.”

Now here’s the unedited dialogue about the teen threesome that took place in episode 03. 

Clare, “I know that you probably have had some twosomes before.”

Rae, “Mom!”

Clare, “I think a threesome is a big leap; so, I was wondering if maybe you were subconsciously worried about our little threesome.”

Rae, “What?”

Clare, “Me and you and dad.”

As you see, Clare assumed that Rae had had teen sex a number of times before the threesome; so, it’s surprising that Clare assumed that the threesome was organized by Bethany - whose parents were described as “rich and cosmopolitan”, but Bethany, whom goes by Montana, shared that the teen orgy was Rae’s idea.

Clare, “What made you think it was a good idea to orchestrate an orgy in me and my husband’s bedroom?”

Bethany\Montana, “That was Rae’s idea.”

And Bethany\Montana shared with Clare that Rae was “completely obsessed” and in love with Bethany\Montana. That’s correct. Tiny Beautiful Things has a teen lipstick lesbian slash schoolgirl subplot, which didn’t take place until episode 06, but surprisingly it wasn’t previewed in the trailer or in the introduction of episode 01. 

Interestingly, Clare said that she knew how to have a proper threesome and opined that her daughter’s teen threesome was “pathetic” and referred to it as “little pussy-ass shit”.  

Bethany, “Maybe you weren’t aware that she’s completely obsessed with me […] I can’t help that she’s in love with me.”

Clare, “And I know how to have a threesome. Not that pathetic little pussy-ass shit. […] thinking everyone wants to fuck you because you have great hair?”

In episode 04, Rae posted a video on social media of her seductively ingesting a large cucumber, which caused Clare to exclaim, “What the fuck!” In episode 04, the director took the opportunity to show Rea in her striped panties. And in episode 04, the conversation about Bethany having anal sex on greyhound bus took place, which I’ll share again to emphasize that Clare was unfazed by public teen anal sex.

Rae, “Bethany had anal sex on a greyhound going to Reno!”

Clare, “What?

Rae, “Yeah.”

Clare, “Why would she wanna take a bus to Reno?”

In episode 06, shortly after Bethany\Montana complained to Rae that she was fourth on her private school’s “Most Fuckable Girls’ List” (“Fucking fourth!”), Rae shared with Bethany\Montana that she was not a virgin, because she had sex with Stef Johnson and Sofia Serrano - respectively. And Rae related that she masturbates. (“I have a body, and I know what feels good, so”)

Consequently, upon learning that Rae’s parents were on a date night, Bethany\Montana suggested that they go back to Rae’s house, but Rae said suggestively that Bethany\Montana would have to remove her nail extensions before they had teen lipstick lesbian sex, which they proceeded to have until they were interrupted by the door bell. 

Tiny Beautiful Things (2023) received a 90% AVERAGE TOMATOMETER and a 85% AVERAGE AUDIENCE SCORE. Angie Han of the Hollywood Reporter opined:

True to its name, Tiny Beautiful Things is sensitive to the details. The series has a knack for zeroing in on moments too strange or specific to feel like anything but lived experience.

Interestingly, Tiny Beautiful Things is loosely based on Cheryl Strayed’s book, but there doesn’t appear to be a Rae or Bethany\Montana in the book. Grace Wehniainen wrote in her Bustle piece “Is Tiny Beautiful Things Based On A True Story? (April 7, 2023)

As is the case with most adaptations, not every detail is the same on page and screen. Names are changed, and Clare’s life isn’t exactly like Strayed’s. In the show, for example, she’s the mom to a teenager, while Strayed’s actual kids were still pretty young [...]

The last time we wrote about Kathryn Hahn was when she starred in Amazon’s I Love Dick (2016) where she played Chris whom, in the spirit of Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies and Tavi Gevinson's Rookie, (over) shared: 

"Dear Dick, I've been horny since I was six. I used to press my crotch into the belly of my stuffed Rhino [...] I'd love to hump him in front of our sitter Karen Harris. I used to say that Rhino was hungry and that I needed to feed him [...] In high school, I wanted to fuck anybody - male or female." 

Lastly, Tiny Beautiful Things shared executive producers with Big Little Lies (2017) where 16-year-old Abigail, to raise money for Amnesty International, auctioned off her virginity - online. 

Sunday, April 23, 2023

Jim Carrey and Ariana Grande: A Celebrity Age-Gap Affair?

The “Did Jim Carrey and Ariana Grande hook up?” episode of the FluentlyFoward (video) podcast is logically, “[...] about the rumor of Ariana Grande hooking up with Jim Carrey.”

On the podcast, Shannon McNamara related that Carrey was Grande’s childhood crush, but it wasn’t until, approximately, 2019 did rumors circulate that the age-gap couple were “hooking up”. 

McNamara, “Basically, Ariana Grande [...] has always had Jim Carrey as her childhood crush for years [...] then around, I want to say, 2020, 2019, these blind items start coming out about them hooking up.”

What is McNamara’s evidence? On Live with Kelly [Ripa] and Michael [Strahan] (January 30, 2015), Strahan asked 22-year-old Grande to share her childhood crush, and she shared that it was 53-year-old “perfect” and “cute” Carrey. 

Strahan: “Your childhood crush. I'm going to try to get this out of you.” 

Grande: “My childhood crush, my lifelong crush, like kind of all just goes together. It's Jim Carrey. I love him so much. I love him so much.”

Kelly Ripa: “Do you still have a crush on him?”

Grande: “Yeah, I met him and I, like, cried. It was really weird. It was so weird. It was so, like, uncharacteristic of me. I'm usually, like, sort of chill and usually somewhat contained. But I met him and I was just like.

Strahan: “What did he do? What did he do?”

Grande: “He was like, oh my god, I was kind of nervous because I was like, you know, he's been my crush forever [...] And he was so over the top nice and perfect [sic] and just how I’d hoped he’d be [...] I was like, oh my god, you're so cute. I love you. I was like, wow, help me God.”

After showing a clip of Grande’s confession on Live with Kelly and Michael,  McNamara shared a “cute” video that was posted on Grande’s Instagram account. In the video, after 20-year-old Grande, who was wearing a sweater, sans pantalons, and a pair of white go-go boots, met 52-year-old Carrey for the first time on the White House lawn where she gave him a “cute” hug, shed tears and prayed, “Oh my God.” 

Subsequently, Grande posted an image of Carrey on her Instagram story with a quote from Carrey:




Carrey replied to Grande’s story, via Twitter, by tweeting that he found her Instagram story “lovely” and that he felt “[...] blessed to have such a gifted admirer.”

Grande quote tweeted Carrey’s tweet by tweeting that Carrey had no idea how much she adored him and how much he meant to Grande:

thank u so much for your kindness. [black heart emoji] I don't think u understand how much i adore u or what u mean to me. thank u for taking the time to share this w me. you are such an inspiration. i can't wait to tattoo this tweet to my forehead. sending lots of love & all things happy. 

Grande didn’t tattoo Carrey’s tweet to her forehead, but she did get a tattoo of Carrey’s lines from  The Truman Show (1998).

In case I don't see ya
Good afternoon
Good evening
And good night!

In response to a clip from 2020 that McNamara shared of Grande and Carrey “beautifully” singing a duet on Kidding, Carrey’s Showtime comedy, McNamara implied that Grande and Carrey “should make love”.

McNamara, “I was kind of like, wait a minute, do I like them together? Like, any time two people sing beautifully together, I just, like, think that they should make love.”

After Grande’s appearance on Kidding, Carrey shared in an interview that Grande was “wonderful to be around.” Consequently, Grande posted a picture on Instagram of the (potential) age-gap couple hugging on the set of Kidding, and she wrote in the post that she “adored” Carrey as a nymphet, even before she could speak, but that Carrey was more “special and warm” than she “[...] ever could have imagined.”

I’ve been staring at my screen and no words do this moment justice. thankful for the most special experience of my life. nothing is crazier than getting to work with and spend time with someone whom you’ve idolized and adored since before you could speak. actually, what’s even crazier is discovering that person to be more special and warm and generous in person than you ever could’ve imagined.

As FluentlyForward’s a gossip slash blind item podcast, McNamara moved on from the more concrete evidence of a potential age-gap affair between Grande and Carrey to the blinds. A blind from a 2019 Crazy Days & Nights post alleged that Grande and Carrey were having sex, but it wasn’t clear if Carrey was going to leave his girlfriend for Grande.

I think we all knew the hooking up of the former A plus list mostly movie actor and the A-list singer was inevitable. The question is whether he dumps the girlfriend he cheated on the singer with or not. 

Interestingly, Grande released the song “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” - in 2019. Consequently, McNamara stated, “The song’s actually about Jim Carrey. Who the fuck knew?”

In the next blinds that McNamara read alleged that the age-gap celebrity couple had sex and did drugs. And that Grande kissed Carrey’s ass?

Of course the former A plus list mostly movie actor loves the A-list singer. They hooked up and she kissed his ass and took his drugs.

This former A plus list mostly movie actor is probably A, A-minus now with the big name recognition still. He has been hitting on an A-list singer who is much, much younger than him and offering her the best drugs if she wants to party with him. 

It’s not clear exactly when Grande’s childhood crush on Carrey began. Grande, an apparent teleiophile, inferred that it began before she could speak, but let’s assume that she was being hyperbolic. 

Interestingly, overall, McNamara appeared to condone Grande’s attraction to Carrey. For example, of Carrey, McNamara opined, “He really does have that charisma to him?”

Tuesday, February 21, 2023

Ron DeSantis: Hot for Teacher? | Popular Teacher Parties with Prep Schoolgirls

Jake Tapper tweeted a quote from Alex Leary's Wall Street Journal piece "Trump Says It Would Be a Mistake for DeSantis to Run for the White House in 2024" (Nov 8, 2022) 

Trump threatens DeSantis: “If he runs, he runs. If he did run, I will tell you things about him that won’t be very flattering. I know more about him than anybody other than perhaps his wife, who is really running his campaign.”

Consequently, readers wondered what "very [un]flattering" information Trump may have on DeSantis.  Well, Bess Levin related in a Vanity Fair piece that "Donald Trump, Longtime Friend of Jeffrey Epstein, Suggests Ron DeSantis Groomed High School Girls"

Levin wrote:

On Tuesday, [February 7, 2022] the 45th president shared two posts on Truth Social that included the same photo of DeSantis apparently partying with high school girls while he was working at a private school, with the image claiming to show DeSantis “grooming high school girls with alcohol as a teacher.” Adding his own commentary, Trump wrote: “No way?” and “That’s not Ron, is it? He would never do such a thing!”

To elaborate, Trump responded sarcastically to the meme "Here is Ron DeSanctimonious grooming high school girls with alcohol as a teacher" with "That's not Ron, is it? He would never do such a thing!

And to Dong-Chan Lee's Truth Social post, "DeSantis was having a "drink" party with his students when he was a high school teacher. Having drinks with underage girls and cuddling with them certainly look pretty gross and ephebophiliaesque.", Trump asked, "No way?"

It's not clear if there's any truth to DeSantis' grooming allegations, but per the New York Times report "Pranks, Parties and Politics: Ron DeSantis’s Year as a Schoolteacher" (Nov. 5, 2022), DeSantis "hung out at parties with seniors" at the Darlington School, a boarding school in Georgia, and "[...] Mr. DeSantis was popular among many students." [Emphasis added]

The Vanity Fair subheading, "As a reminder, the ex-president has literally been described as Epstein’s wingman, and he once called the deceased predator a 'terrific guy' who was 'a lot of fun to be with.'", inferred that Trump has some audacity to imply that DeSantis had an affair with (at least) one of his prep school students, which reminded us of a previous post where we recapped Karen Ruiz's Daily Mail post "Donald Trump was allegedly recorded having a threesome with a teenage girl and a porn star in a Mafia-run Times Square brothel in the 80s, book claims" (October 18, 2019). 

In the post, Ruiz wrote that, per the book All the President's Women: Donald Trump and the Making of a Predator, Donald Trump was (allegedly) recorded having a threesome with a teenage girl and a porn star in a Mafia-run Times Square brothel in the 80s! 

Annie Hamilton's IG Post: Public Teen Oral Sex in New York Movie Theater!

Annie Hamilton, an actress who starred in Dance Camp (2016), an Awesomeness Films production, posted the following on her soimwritinganovel Instagram (IG) account (December 7, 2022):

in 9th grade they took us on a class field trip to see "an inconvenient truth" in imax & a total of 3 blow jobs were given to/from my peers (everywhere I looked). that nite I had Jamba Juice, never having been kissed, and I felt old, older than I do now; the oldest Ive ever felt

From "Cinderella by Way of Cassavetes", a New York Times profile that Hamilton linked to in her IG profile, we can infer that Hamilton was on an Ethical Culture Fieldston School field trip when the "3 blow jobs" took place . Interestingly, Fieldston is an Ivy Prep School that competes against the Horace Mann School whose most famous alumna is, arguably, the Swiffergirl

Hamilton's post raises some (rhetorical) questions: Why did Hamilton write a post about three (3) freshman prep schoolgirls (≈ 14-year-olds) giving blow jobs in a New York movie theater? Was Hamilton using the allure of nymphets for (4,661) likes, comments, and follows?

Hamilton alluded to her reasoning in the profile:

“A year or two ago, I became aware that I had made sort of a character online,” said Ms. Hamilton. “And now I play into that. If I recognize that I could do something crazy or kooky or wild or sensationalist, I will do it and then put it online. But I don’t view any of it as particularly honest. What I’m willing to tell people is all smoke and mirrors. I might flaunt a disgusting habit or story about myself, but really that is to conceal what truly is disgusting.”

Thus, it appears that, in addition to getting likes, comments, and follows, Hamilton may "flaunt a disgusting habit or story [...] to conceal what truly is disgusting."

I'm not sure what Hamilton could be concealing that's truly disgusting by flaunting the prep schoolgirl movie theater blow job story, but it may not matter if the story is true or not, because what's more important is Hamilton's reasoning for the post. 

However, we would not be surprised if the story were true, because we previously recapped Laura Sessions Stepp's Washington Post piece "Parents Are Alarmed by an Unsettling New Fad in Middle Schools: Oral Sex" (July 8, 1999), we wrote about Tamar Lewin's New York Times piece where it was related that Hunter, a top high school on Manhattan's wealthy Upper East Side, provided "mint-flavored condoms with no spermicide, labeled ''ONLY for oral sex'' for the Hunter High nymphets, and we related that Ariel Levy wrote in Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of [Teen] Raunch Culture about several instances of schoolgirls performing oral sex on school buses. 

Intriguingly, it appears that we were of the few who took Hamilton's post about teen public oral sex seriously, because a number of commenters opined that the post was poetry, poetic and literature. 

adrina.b Poetic really

fiercedad This is the most brilliant poetry

niseygal Best thing we’ve seen in American literature since Pynchon

animal_joyy pure poetry

Lastly, marisapearcee commented: "But why are you choking yourself", which is a good question. Would we be so naive to think that "kooky or wild or sensationalist" Hamilton would not further sexualize the post with a display of erotic asphyxiation? 

Monday, February 20, 2023

VELMA (2023): Nude Coolsville High Students, DILF City and Teen Lipstick Lesbians!

Per HBO Max: “Velma is an adult animated comedy series telling the origin story of Velma Dinkley, the unsung and underappreciated brains of the Scooby-Doo Mystery Inc. gang. This original and humorous spin unmasks the complex and colorful past of one of America’s most beloved mystery solvers.”

Mindy Kaling executive produced the series, and she played Velma. That news set off our nympholepsy and teleiophilia alarms, which was warranted because, about a minute into the first episode, viewers were entertained by nude nymphets showering in the Coolsville High locker room, which was followed by a nude teen catfight. (Viewers were entertained by the nude showering coeds in episode 10 as well.)

As for teleiophilia, Velma expressed her attraction to (much) older men - more than once. For example, in episode 1, after Fred showed Velma a social media post of his tall and blond father, Velma responded, “Zam, DILF city!”
Oxford Languages: DILF noun | a sexually attractive older man, typically one who has children.
Urban Diction: DILF acronym | "Dad I'd Like to F***".
Toward the end of the first episode, Velma shared that she would like to see a naked picture of LeBron. And in episode 5, in response to learning that Norville was dating Gigi, a cool girl, Velma said, “Damn, this makes me think I could bag Don Lemon.”

As for nympholepsy slash ephebophilia, in episode 2, Velma related that 18-year-old Sarah had a Sugar Daddy, and “Her parents are cool with it.”

In episode 4, at the Crystal Cove Town Hall, Velma unveiled the Top 5 Coolsville High Hot Girls to Mayor Dave whom responded, “Ooh, they are so hot. Daddy likey.”

In episode 8, Daphne shared, “But a while back, I was low-key obsessed with someone […]” What was Velma’s response? “Oh, so like me and Neil deGrasse Tyson.” And in episode 8, Gigi said, “Norville, I wanna go with you to my cabin in the woods [to have sex].” But before Norville could respond, the Coolsville High elderly and balding janitor whispered seductively, “I’ll go.”

In pop culture, nympholepsy is typically coupled with teen lipstick lesbianism. And Velma is no different, as Velma and Daphne, apparent teen bisexuals, had an on-again\off-again affair. (Interestingly, the “hot” Betty and Veronica kiss in the Riverdale pilot was referenced, which was when, in an effort to increase their chances of being picked for the cheerleading team, Veronica passionately kissed Betty in front of the cheerleading captain and her assistants.)

In addition, there were other random bits of salaciousness in the animated series. For example, in episode 1, the owner of Spooner’s Malt Shop, the town’s most popular diner, shared the secret to the diner’s success with Velma: “Just good food, great tunes. And I let teens have sex in the bathroom.”

In episode 6, Daphne and her father dined at Nana’s Nipples - a strip club where Velma’s father pleaded, “Velma please. Can’t a father and daughter just enjoy a nice meal at a strip club without it being awkward?” Subsequently, to the onlookers dismay and despite a neon sign that read 18+ Only, Daphne took to the stripper pole. And in episode 3, while visiting Fred in prison, Velma lifted her fountains and asked Norville, “Is it obvious I have two bean bags in my bra?”

Despite its repeated use of the allure of nymphets for streams, Velma received a measly 41% Average Tomatometer and a 7% Average Audience Score; however, it was (somehow) renewed for second season.

Saturday, February 18, 2023

Pedro Pascal: Hot for Daddy and Teacher

Prior to hosting Saturday Night Live (s48e12), Pedro Pascal was considered by (some) young women to be TikTok's favorite Daddy and\or "daddy of the moment", which prompted CT Jones' Rolling Stone post "Creator of the Viral Pedro Pascal Fancam Explains Why the Actor Is TikTok's Favorite Daddy". Jones wrote:

Every Sunday night, fans of Pedro Pascal can tune in to HBO to watch the Chilean actor star as the stoic, sexy, reluctant father figure Joel in The Last Of Us. But on TikTok, weekly episodes aren’t enough — stanning Pascal is a full-time gig. Fans on the app have crowned 47-year-old Pascal the “daddy of the moment” in the only way it knows how: inundating For You pages everywhere with fan edits. 

Jones explained that a fan edit is like a synonym of fancam, which is like a synonym of thirst trap. 

Jones: As for fancams, they are when TikTokers curate: "[...] videos of a popular actor and smash them together into a short but heavily edited clip full of transitions, filters, and of course, a rousing backing track [...] their most popular forms usually serve one purpose: a thirst trap. Cambridge Dictionary: thirst trap noun | a statement by or photograph of someone on social media that is intended to attract attention or make people who see it sexually interested in them  

Jones related that, despite being 45-years-old, "[...] if there is one thing people on TikTok can agree on, it’s that Pedro Pascal is smoking hot." 

@dvcree petitioning to be your fav pedro pascal editor #pedropascal #pedropascaledit #agentwhiskey #kingsman #dvcree ♬ save a horse ride a cowboy - ᖭི༏ᖫྀ
Jones shared that one of the most popular Pascal fancams was created by TikTok user @dvcree. @dvcree's TikTok "smashed" together clips of Pascal from Agent Whiskey in Kingsman 2: The Golden Circle. The TikTok began with Pascal's character sharing with Halle Berry's character, “I got a six-pack of cold ones on ice, and my roomie’s out all night, so you can scream my name as loud as you need to sugar!” 

As of the writing of this post, that TikTok had over 21 million views, over 2 million likes, and was saved almost 1 million times. (Jones related that saves are "one of the biggest signs of thirst success on TikTok".)

On the red carpet for the premier of The Last Of Us, Pascal was asked, "You know, you're the daddy of the Internet, right? Before answering, Pascal read a tweet from Ally (@merrinluvr) whom tweeted: "I call Pedro Pascal a DILF and think he's my cool slutty father" Pascal replied, "Yup. I am your cool, slutty daddy." Thus, unlike Dr. Phil who adjured his young female fans to stop calling him daddy, Pascal has embraced his DILF status. 
Oxford Languages: DILF noun | a sexually attractive older man, typically one who has children. Urban Diction: acronym | "Dad I'd Like to F***". A dilf is any man (typically between the ages of 30-50) who is incredibly attractive and has kids.

Always aware of the zeitgeist, the writers of Saturday Night Live wrote the skit "Fancam Assembly" - but with a twist. Here's the skit's synopsis posted on YouTube: "A teacher (Pedro Pascal) can't figure out why his students are obsessed with making fancams of him and the rest of the school staff."  That's correct. In the skit, Pascal plays Mr. Ben - a high school teacher. And the fancans (i.e., thirst traps) were made by his students. 

In the skit, during the Technology Use school assembly, Mr. Ben told the 14-year-old students, "Do not make fancams of school staff. Like this." In one example from "thousands" of TikToks that Mr. Ben projected to the assembled students, "sparkly fast romantic montages" of him in the classroom and in the school's hallway were smashed together with hearts. 

One student responded to Mr. Ben's demands that the fancams cease with, "But we make them because you are our beloved, and you have us in a chokehold."

And another student explained that COVID made them make Mr. Ben daddy, "Because COVID lock[ed] us down when we are 11 [sic] and now we are 14, so now we have to make you daddy."

Unsurprisingly, this is not the first time we've written a post were the two motifs (i.e., The Daddy Thing and Hot for Teacher) were combined. For example, we wrote about BuzzFeed's post "13 Really Hot [High School] Teachers That Will Have You Begging For Detention. Yes, Mr. Smith. I’ll gladly stay after class" that re-posted a number of photos that were taken by high school students of their "hot" teachers, which were posted to Tumblr, Instagram, Snapchat and Twitter. Some of the hashtags that accompanied the photos were#Hot teachers, #DADDY AF and #FUX ME ZADDYYYY.

Friday, January 27, 2023

Kanye and Leonardo DiCaprio Fight Over Teen Student\Club Rat?

Eva Evans’ (@itsevaevans) TikTok, “How Kanye got between me and Leonardo DiCaprio” (1-7-23), is about when, in 2012, 35-year-old Kanye West allegedly “ruined” 17-year-old Eva’s chances of having an age-gap affair with 38-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio whom is well-known for his age-gap affairs.  

Kanye West has ruined a lot of things for a lot of people, but I want to talk about the time he ruined my chances at becoming Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend. 

The year was 2012. I was 17. The place was The Darby. My occupation at the time? Student slash club rat. 

After a whopping ten tequila shots, unsurprisingly, Eva had to find a bathroom, which is how she met DiCaprio whom offered the nymphet champagne. 

The night is bumping. It’s 2:00 am. I’ve had approximately 10 tequila sodas. Had to pee; so, I wade through the crowded Darby. I go to the bathroom. I come back to my table. But wait a second. I look up and instead of seeing the friendly face of Mathew - my best friend slash promoter.

Who do I see? Sweet Leo. He’s mid conversation but he looks up at me, and he sees my confused countenance, and he goes, “Would like some champagne?” 

However, after accepting DiCaprio’s glass of champagne, Kanye smiled at Eva, allegedly mischievously, and consequently, Eva “booked it” and informed her friends that DiCaprio and Kanye were about to fight for her love.

[...] and I look to my right. And [can you] guess who I see sitting next to the DJ booth? No other than Kanye West. So there I am face to face with Kanye. Right as this registers, Leo taps me on the shoulder [and] hands me a glass of champagne. I accept. “Thank you Leo.” 

But I’m still facing Kanye. And [do] you know what this man does? He smiles. He smiles. [sic] Do you know how scary Kanye smiling in 2012 was - period? Let alone you’re 17. When I tell you I booked it from that table. I made my way back to the crowd. I found my friends one table over [and] I said, “I think that Kanye West and Leonardo DiCaprio are about to have a fight over me!” 

To be fair, I don’t think DiCaprio and Kanye suspected that Eva was 17. Especially since she was in a club in Chelsea at 2:00 AM donning a bodycon dress, Lita Spike platform boots, and a glass of champagne; however, np, because the age-of-consent in Manhattan is 17. And Eva opined that, despite being “only 17”, she “was perfect for [38-year-old] Leo”.

“[...] what I was wearing was a bodycon dress [...] Now upon my feet were the Jeffrey Campbell Lita Spike platform boot. I was a 2012 It girl - only 17 [but] I was perfect for Leo. Had Kanye not terrified my drunken yakked up 2021 teenage self with an ear to ear smile, this would have been me baby. (Kisses photograph of Leo.)

Eva reminded us of Julia Fox whom apparently was not turned off by Kanye’s smile. Julia shared with Alex Cooper on the Call Her Daddy podcast that she was a teen sex worker during her high school years, but she started clubbing when she was about 14-years-old - "slutty" but in braces, which is not unusual for “hot underage” New York nubile nymphets.

Cooper: "How old were you when you first went clubbing?"

Fox: "Like proper clubbing? Maybe like 14 [...] They were so clearly fake [IDs] [...] but you see, like, slutty [girls] [...] You’re gonna let them in. The hot underage [girls] [...]"

Cooper: "Nobody gives a fuck."

Fox: "I had braces, and they were letting me in, girl."

Gossip Girl's Julien in the club.

And you thought the teens drinking in Manhattan clubs in the Gossip Girl volumes (e.g., And, just like that, Blair knew she was ready. She took another sip of her scotch. Oh, yes. She was definitely ready. [v01p10]) and episodes was only fiction. 

As for some of the TikTok’s comments. Amanda commented the Eva had a “NY moment” accompanied by a heart exclamation emoji, Jennifer commented that Eva had an “iconic moment”, but Milalillies didn’t appear to be pleased with the age gap. 

Amanda Victoria: A NY moment 👏🏽❣️(Heart Exclamation

Jennifer P Egbert: Iconic moment 🙌🏽(Raising Hands)

Milalillies: 17 yrs old 🥺(Pleading Face emoji)