GOSSIP GIRL [Book 3] Recap: “Ridiculously Flirtatious” Serena and Horny Chuck (Part 1)

[The original CW Gossip Girl series was called “Mind-blowingly inappropriate.” by the Parents Television Council, “Very bad for you." by the San Diego Union-Tribune, and “A nasty piece of work.” by the New York Post. However, I would argue that the young adult novel series is inarguably more salacious. I plan to recap books 1-8, 13, and 14, which were written by Cecily von Ziegesar and are based on Ziegesar's experiences at The Nightingale-Bamford School, an Upper East Side all-girls prep school.]

Serena

In Gossip Girl: All I Want is Everything (Book 3), Ziegesar described 17-year-old Serena as having a “perfectly chiseled face, deep blue eyes, [and a] long, lithe body”. And four paragraphs in on page 3, Ziegesar reminded readers: “After all, she [i.e., Serena] and Nate had lost their virginity together behind Blair’s back the summer after tenth grade.” Talk about getting right to the (salacious) point!

After Flow, the “former model and gorgeous lead singer and guitar player, whose band, 45, [had] just won the MTV Music Award for best album”, performed at the Black-and-White Ball, Serena, with her “beautiful blond head”, sat on Flow’s lap in the backseat of his limo.

Ziegesar wrote that Serena was being “ridiculously flirtatious” in the limo, because “she loved the way Flow’s dark brown hair curled around his temples”, she loved “his golden bronze skin”, and, interestingly, Serena loved “how long and delicate looking his fingers were.” Consequently:

“Serena dipped her fingers in her champagne glass and then put them in her mouth [...]”

Flow kept on staring at her.

Serena giggled. “Stop it.”

“Ooh, baby,” Chuck said obnoxiously, sucking on his joint. “Somebody is getting some tonight!”

Subsequently, Gossip Girl posted that Serena and Flow “were seen entering the Tribeca Star—to get a room, perchance? Naughty, naughty—”

During Christmas break, Serena and Blair went to St. Barts, where they stayed at the "exclusive Isle de la Paix resort”. (Blair’s family met them there.) At the resort, Ziegesar wrote that Serena wore outfits like a “tiny white denim Agnès B. miniskirt [that] barely covered the tops of her legs” and “red velvet Juicy Couture sweatpants and a tiny little T-shirt with a picture of a snowman on it.” However, Ziegesar did not share that Serena’s sweatpants read Juicy Couture on her derrière.

Before Serena and Blair left for St. Barts, it was posted on Gossip Girl that they were seen “leaving the J. Sisters Salon after their pre St. Bart's bikini waxes.” Consequently, Gossip Girl wrote: “Looks like it’s going to be hotter than hot down there!”

Back in Manhattan at Serena’s New Year’s Eve party, where there were “torches smoldering in the corners, and the dance floor was made of real green grass. [And] [t]he bartenders were wearing skimpy crocheted bikinis”, Serena wore “a Missoni string bikini top, black velvet short shorts, and long, dangly diamond earrings”.

Not to be eclipsed, Blair wore “a purple suede Dior micro-miniskirt, a black satin Chloé camisole, and black fishnet tights.” After Blair “took a large gulp” of her Ketel One and tonic and a “deep drag” of her Merit Ultra Lite, she saw schoolgirl “Serena bump butts with two dark-haired men in their twenties wearing matching navy blue sailor suits, who looked like twins.” (Note: Ziegesar did not disclose Flow’s age, but it’s safe to infer that he was in his twenties too.)

And speaking of Gossip Girl and New Year’s Eve, Gossip Girl encouraged Upper East Side schoolgirls that to have the “rockingest New Year’s Eve ever”, they should get some action by making out with strangers. Ziegesar slash Gossip Girl posted:

How to have the rockingest New Year’s Eve ever

Two words of advice:

1) Stick with me. I know where the action is.

2) Kiss people. Tonight at midnight is the only time in the entire year when you have an open invitation to kiss completely random people without any explanation at all. So go for it!

Chuck

Ziegesar described Chuck as “handsome in a dark, after-shave commercial sort of way” and “also the horniest boy in all of New York City.”

Rhetorical question: Should Chuck’s hyperbolic horniness be an excuse for him to molest a Blacked-out Serena in a hotel suite and/or force (14-year-old) Jenny to undress in the bathroom at The Met? Ziegesar wrote:

Chuck was handsome in a dark, after-shave commercial sort of way. He was also the horniest boy in all of New York City. He had tried to molest Serena when she was passed out drunk in his family’s Tribeca Star Hotel suite in October, and he had almost gotten little Jenny Humphrey to take her dress off for him in the ladies’ room at the Kiss on the Lips party that same week.

Only a month later at Serena’s New Year’s Eve party, Blair discovered Chuck on the deck “furiously eating olives, smoking cigarettes, gulping Veuve Clicquot” while “he was looking for someone to give him a blow job while the fireworks went off.”

Unsurprisingly, Chuck, who Ziegesar further described as “a serious asshole, especially when it came to girls”, kissed Blair on the lips, without her consent, and he “slowly slid his hand down her back and over her ass”, without her consent. Ziegesar wrote:

Blair wasn’t surprised when Chuck Bass found her standing out on the deck, furiously eating olives, smoking cigarettes, gulping Veuve Clicquot, and freezing her ass off. It was just before midnight, and knowing Chuck, he was looking for someone to give him a blow job while the fireworks went off.

“Happy New Year, Blair.” Chuck walked right up and kissed her on the lips. There was an olive pit in her mouth, but he didn’t seem to mind.

Chuck put his arm around her and then slowly slid his hand down her back and over her ass.

Nonetheless, after Chuck asked rhetorically, “You know what’s the best way to ring in the new year?”, despite Chuck’s infamous reputation, Blair suggested that he ring in the new year in the best way with not one but two schoolgirls: Kati, a strawberry-blond, and Isabel, the daughter of a well-known actor. Ziegesar wrote:

“You know what’s the best way to ring in the new year?”

She pulled away and pointed through the glass doors to where Kati and Isabel were standing on a little table holding each other’s hands and counting down the new year.

“Those two have always been totally in love with you,” Blair declared, trying to keep a straight face. “If you want to ‘ring in the new year’ with someone, why don’t you ask them?”

Chuck grinned at her. “Really?”

She nodded. “Go ahead, I’m—” But before she could even finish her sentence, Chuck ducked back inside and grabbed the two girls in a group hug.

“Four! Three! Two!”

Of Chuck and Kati, recall I wrote that in the book 1 recap:

[...] Ziegesar described Chuck as “the horniest boy” in the friend group. So much so that after hiding in the guest room closet, Chuck crawled into bed with Kati Farkas whom was “so drunk she kept throwing up in her sleep”. Shockingly, Kati’s vomit on the sheets didn’t deter Chuck, because when it came to schoolgirls, “[h]e was completely unshakeable”.