Tuesday, August 17, 2021

Teen Stassi Schroeder: Bent to Lose Virginity to Man

Stassi Schroeder | High School Yearbook

If you don't know Nastassia 'Stassi' Schroeder, per Wikipedia: 
Nastassia Bianca Schroeder Clark (born June 24, 1988) is an American television personality, podcast host, fashion blogger, model and author. She is best known for appearing on Bravo's [popular] reality television series Vanderpump Rules (2013–2020).

Let us concentrate on the author aspect of Stassi's career by sharing chapter 7, "Like a Virgin", from Stassi's New York Times Bestseller Next Level Basic: The Definitive Basic Bitch Handbook, which I learned about from Claire Parker and Ashley Hamilton's Celebrity Memoir Book Club podcast. 

In "Like a Virgin", Stassi shared that when she was 6 or 7-years-old, she started getting a "[...] tingly feeling 'down there'" and would would "secretly fast-forward" to the piano sex scene in Pretty Woman.

I remember the first few times as a kid where I became aware that I got a tingly feeling “down there.” I didn’t know what it meant or what it was but I knew something funny happened every time I watched Dirty Dancing and Pretty Woman. I remember being around six or seven and I would secretly fast-forward to the part in Dirty Dancing where Baby and Johnny finally took their dancing to the, um, next level, and that part in Pretty Woman where Richard Gere and Julia Roberts get going on a piano in the middle of a hotel ballroom. 
Next, pre-teen Stassi moved to "sophisticated porn", Cosmopolitan, and (the sex scenes in) romance novels :
As I got older, I graduated from getting off to Dirty Dancing to more sophisticated porn like Inventing the Abbotts (hello, young Joaquin Phoenix) or 91/2 Weeks. As a preteen, I took to Cosmopolitan magazine, and I would secretly stay up and read the excerpts of romance novels that they always had at the end of each issue.

In high school, Stassi realized that she was attracted to men, and she wanted to lose her virginity to a man - not a high school boy:

I knew I didn’t like high school boys because I always felt way more mature than them, so going on dates with someone my own age bored me. 

All I knew about losing my virginity was that it was going to be with a man, not a boy. And I most definitely accomplished that. 

In the end, after lying about her age, 17-year-old Stassi lost her virginity, on prom night, to Matt, a 27-year-old Matthew McConaughey doppelgänger.

I realized that we were hanging out with a guy I’d had a major crush on—a guy who was twenty-seven years old (aka a man). He legit looked like Matthew McConaughey [...] 

Later, a big group of us go back to his place. I flirted with him as much as I could, having no idea if he would take someone like me seriously.

And then he turns to me and says, “Stassi, are you eighteen?” HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. (That was my inner thought process, FYI.) At that very moment, I knew that I had two paths in front of me. I either tell him the truth (I was seventeen), or I could lie and YOLO it. And I obviously YOLO’d the shit out of it. 

So we did it, and it hurt like hell. I’m pretty much just lying there because I’M A VIRGIN AND VIRGINS HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO DO. 

Mind-bogglingly, Parker and Hamilton opined that Stassi was groomed - obviously ignoring that Stassi shared the following points:

  • High school boys bored Stassi
  • Stassi was determined to lose her virginity to a man
  • Stassi had a major crush on Matt (Wait, did Stassi intentionally leave out the part about how Matt groomed her into developing a major crush? #rhetoricalquestion)
  • Stassi lied to Matt about her age

And Parker and Hamilton criticized Matt for asking Stassi if she were of legal age. And they questioned why Matt would want to have sex with an 18-year-old. (Consequently, I'm assuming that like, Orthodox Muslims and Jews, Parker and Hamilton are of the stance that 18-year-old porn stars, whom most often film with men, should not "filming".)

But despite all the criticisms that Parker and Hamilton had about Stassi's book, they didn't criticize Stassi for being attracted to a 27-year-old. Nor did they scold Stassi for lying about her age, which could have landed Matt in serious trouble, because, unless he's a Kennedy, the police (most likely) would not have believed Matt if Stassi claimed that she was groomed and that she did not lie about her age.

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